Stimulate This

Dear Internet,

In this time of economic recovery, I'm reflecting back to better times of stimulus checks. Where the F is my stimulus check this year? This is the time where I really need an extra $600. Whether it's to get a new pair of boots or to buy that creamy Tarte Cheek Stain I want. Maybe even both.

Don't get me wrong. Even though Congress is filled with a bunch of useless mongrels, I still have faith in Barack. After all, he is my Chicago brother. But I am thinking of by-gone days when the government fruitlessly and retardedly gave us money for no reason, AKA The Bush Era, as part of The Bush Doctrine.

There is a lot of junk I want. I feel like I need an iPhone. Just to navigate Chicago. Also for the cool apps, like Epicurious and Buster, the CTA Bus Tracker. Let's also not forget The Jersey Shore App. These are all things we need. Doesn't anyone get it? As someone who makes less than $250K, I would like a check to afford me the things that my salary does not. Perhaps a new pair of skinny jeans or even some fancy new leggings from American Apparel. Even an f-ing iPod Touch that isn't cracked. Maybe even something slightly more useful to Chicago winters like a new puffy coat, muffler, hat, scarf, chapstick, and lined boots?



I can't take it. Maybe I should just go with the flow, but obviously I can't. I want my money.

Don't Mess with Shelly.