Less Than Fist-pumping End

Dear MTV,

Seriously, what is the problem? Did you not have enough footage to make the series finale of The Jersey Shore a box full of tanning, creepin', and doing laundry? I'm really disappointed in the final episode.

First and foremost, where the F was JWoww during the entire episode? Aside from freaking out and pondering the next steps in obtaining some new Gorilla meat, she was relatively absent from the episode. For someone who speaks to my own heart, proselytizing on beauty and weight loss (thank goodness I can head back to Long Island and get a discount on a consultation), I didn't get much more than a few moments of her globular boobs and and sling shirts (are they even shirts??). Where on earth was she, and why weren't the cameras following? If I were a camera person, or even an editor, I would dedicate at least 12 of the 22 minutes to Jenni's ignition status.

Second, why on earth did you just brush over the arrest and aftermath of Ronnie? I would have loved to know if there were other Guidos within Seaside's holding cells. What were they in for? How did they fight? Perhaps they unleashed some potent hairspray and/or styling cream. Who knows? The editors were too busy following around The Situation and his efforts to make Sausage and Potatoes. I personally prefer my mother's own Sausage, Peppers & Potatoes -- she uses green peppers just like Mike -- but nonetheless I'm sure Ronnie and/or J had some pretty retardedly beautiful mantras to share with us about being locked up and missing the opportunity to sling breasts at Gorillas.

Damnit MTV. You are the worst. You have the splendid opportunity to share with me the last minutes of a summer and you blow it. I mean, of course Snickers kept it real, but what the F? I'm serious. You missed a golden opportunity to not only get me in the back of an Escalade for some more, but also to continue to find ways to identify with my somewhat buried Guido ancestry.

More importantly, especially because I was so upset about the whole finale, I felt compelled to watch The Reunion. This reunion, even with the fighting between The Situation and Ronnie, Angelina's unnecessary return, and the 'my business' bickering between Sammi and JWowww (she's earned an extra W because of her awesome website and posters) was lackluster. Until, of course, you idiots decided it high time to make people uncomfortable and decide you were the big loser pigs in the situation. Why in Marinara's name was it necessary to show old ass, "never seen before" footage of Sammi and Mike talking about creepin' and such when Ron and Sam are well on their way to Guido Matrimonial Heaven. If I had a St. Joseph's Cake or un cannolo (in America, a cannoli), I would have whipped it so hard and fast at the idiot host might have thought it was a big pizza pie, not amore. I don't want to see any of them so embarrassed and aggravated that they need to go to the ladies room off camera. That's not your job. Your job is to make me, your viewer happy and entertained, and I was far from either.

Even though we may like to objectify the eight cast members (roomies) of Jersey Shore, they are still people with feelings, issues, and of course, tans. (BTW, how the heck were the more tan in January than in the summer?). It was one of the single worst moments ever and you should fire that retard for even trying to pretend she cared. Freak shows you are great at, but giving us what we want and need from a team of people who we would have never otherwise would have had the opportunity to hang out with for 30 minutes (and during marathons on the weekend) you are terrible. I know what you were doing, and so did everyone else, but it wasn't funny. I was angry and I, more than ever, felt what I don't think you ever wanted from your viewers: empathy.

I will go on loving Jersey Shore and its members. From bitchy train wrecks met at Karma to fake boobs, spray tans, and juiced up guido brothers, they are mine to giggle and awe, but they are not yours to intentionally humiliate.

HONESTLY! Weird Snooki aggravation noise,
Shelly