Come on Bret.

Dear Internet,

For the past few days Max and I have been crazy for more news about Bret Michaels. Since Rock of Love, and now Celebrity Apprentice, I've been fairly enamored of Mr. Diabeetus, and now that he's had a subarachnoid aneurysm/hemorrhage, I am just sitting around wondering how my favorite B-list Celebrity Apprentice contender is going to make it through.

I'm a bit nervous. Perhaps he should lay off the bandanas for a while.

All joking aside, well at least sort of, this is a super scary thing. I wonder, and really Maxie Jean raised this, if The Donald is going to make an announcement prior to the start of this week's episode of The Apprentice? What can he say? Does he feel guilt because he went on a tirade about bandanas, how much he likes them, and if he were a rock'n'rolla he would wear one too? Imagine Donald's miraculous coif covered up by a red, pink or green bandana? It would be pretty amazing. And puffy.

Forget Cyndi Lauper and her roundabout storytelling, Curtis' uselessness, or the fact that Goldberg finally got fired after weeks of doing nothing. Please also forget the fact that I had an internal battle over who covered, Smokin' in the Boys Room (Motley Crue vs. Poison -- it was Motley Crue) on the Red Line, that I woke up with neon green relish in my hair and mustard in my fingernails (rough night, closed with Hot Dogs), and that I really can't wait for 8:00 PM CDT to come.

Donald's celebrity star player (post shoot, of course) is sitting in ICU waiting for some doctors to give him a prognosis better than Livin' for the Minute.



Keep your hands clasped in prayer and your insulin needles within reach. We're holding a Bret Michaels vigil.

Shelly D.

Bret Michaels: The Best Project Manager Ever?

Dear Internet,

If you're not watching The Apprentice on Sunday nights at 9:00 PM EDT / 8:00 PM CDT, then you better crawl out of your hole. The Apprentice has, for the past few seasons, embarked on a tour de force of celebrity idiocy. Only next season will regular business people take the stage.

In any event, the past two seasons have been marked by stupidity, bitches, and, well, just regular lack of common sense. Not until now, however, has the every day rock n roller prevailed.

What rocker, you ask? Well none other than Bret Michaels, famed Rock of Love host, star, Poison front man, and weird girl catch. I personally love Rock of Love. It happens to be one of my all time favorite shows. Especially season one. I missed Rock of Love Bus. Getting back to my point. Bret, lovingly called the Rock of Love heretofore, is the best reality TV person for The Apprentice gig. Why? I'll tell you why, in ten simple statements:

1. Rock of Love puts on eyeliner better than Selita Ebanks. (Please note that I just learned that her last name was Ebanks. I thought that was a typo. EBanks makes me think of online banking applications, as in Chase and Citibank.)

2. "If you're gonna freak out, have a rock star freak out." 'Nough said. Bring on the PBR, Patron, strippers, hookers, Heroin, and, preferably, crack rocks.

3. Rock of Love says, "Dia-beet-us" rather than Diabetes. How's that for down home charm?

4. Bandanas. Every girl's greasy best friend.

5. "Michaels'[Rock of Love's] "Rock of Love" television series is one of the most successful in VH1's history. With three record-breaking seasons under his belt, Michaels is currently embarking on several other television projects, including the upcoming "Bret Michaels Show." That's a quote from The Apprentice website. Bitches.

6. See photo left. This was presumably sexy at some point in history.

7. He has more hair, and potentially more Estrogen, than Selita e-Banks (I'm changing this so she sounds like software), Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne, and Summer Sanders. (Did I miss Holly Robinson Peete? Who cares, she's worse than "watching ice melt".)

8. Goldberg: "You're only as good as your weakest link." And that be him. Damn good tree, but terrible otherwise.

9.See photo inset right. Another version of sexy for you sleazoids.

10. Every rose does have its thorn.

11. He's the only numbskull who will actually admit he doesn't understand something. Few and far between in real business and much appreciated. You go, Bret!

Rock on Rock of Love. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Shelly