Earthquakes in Chicago: Shelly, Not Surprisingly, Had No Clue

Dear Internet,

I really don't know if I can beat the work Max did with Harold, but the best I can do is talk about some geological happenings in Chicago. Mostly this is news because the snow we have isn't -- it snows pretty much everyday. So anyway... Last night, or I guess really this morning, at around 5:00 AM Chicagoland had an earthquake. This sounds ridiculous and also like a lie, but according to the CHICAGO BREAKING NEWS CENTER:

"A mild earthquake shook northern Illinois this morning.

The U.S. Geological Survey initially reported a 4.3-magnitude quake at 3:59:33 a.m. centered about 5.5 miles east of Sycamore and 3.1 miles underground. But it later revised the magnitude to 3.8, and said the epicenter was just south of Gilberts."

I totally didn't know this at all. First off, why the hell are there earthquakes in Illinois? Tornados, sure. Blizzards, absolutely. Floods, definitely. But an earthquake? Really? Second of all, on top of the fact that we had an earthquake with a magnitude of 4.3 approximately 70 miles northwest of Downtown Chicago, we also have about 18 inches of snow. (This is an estimate because I haven't been outside.) And the snow is just like regular, boring stuff. Even the El is running on time. Thirdly, I have no idea what or where Gilberts really is. Or really anywhere in Illinois besides Chicago, and I don't even know that well. Although... I did go to Rolling Meadows, home of Rod Blagojevich, (who, btw is going to be on this season's The Apprentice) and Geneva, IL for a wedding.

My kitties, Solomon and Lola-Turned-Kitty, totally knew the 'quake was coming. Last night I went to bed at about 10:30. All the episodes of Criminal Minds, on multiple channels, were repeats that I've seen about six times each. Even though my favorite episode -- this lunatic who lived on a farm just over the river from Detroit and was kidnapping homeless people from Cass Corridor and then torturing them. Ultimately he fed them to his pigs. He in turn ate his pigs. -- was on, I just couldn't stay up. This was after about four hours of Bad Girls Club, which, unlike Jersey Shore, has no redeeming qualities. So I decided to turn in. Just about this time Solomon started running full speed up and down the hallway meofing. I use MEOF loosely because he can't actually meof. Instead he makes a high-pitched squeaking noise that sort of resembles a chew toy when you step on it. Or a half-dead Robin.

Following Solomon's lead, Kitty jumped into action, bolting just as fast up the hallway. Sol pried open the bedroom door and squeaked, ambled over to the closet door (banging into the vanity) and scratched at it until I let him in. Kitty followed suit. WTF, KITTIES!, I cried, but to no avail. Back and forth they ran: living room to hallway to office to bathroom to bedroom to closet, and back again. I finally gave up. It was too much for me. And really, it was either pass out or face Mike talking about Karl Marx and Capitalism again.

And so it happened. Northern Illinois had an earthquake in the wee hours of the morning and I had no clue. Even with the cats providing all kinds of unintelligible warnings.

Gad. Never in my life have I been subject to so many environmental things, and simultaneously. Cats, snow, earthquakes, lack of groceries -- it's unreal. It's basically come to a point where the only way I can deal with it is acting out:



And acting out like the heroine of Seinfeld, nonetheless. What a fucking idiot I am.

Drop, Cover and HOLD ON!
Shellly