Super New Uses for Mayonnaise

Dear Internet,

"Kim likes to put mayonnaise on her vagina because it makes her glow from within." Words of wisdom and beauty secrets from Khloe Kardashian. I wonder if Kim Kardashian wanted everyone to know that. I'm guessing she wanted to keep that a secret because that might be how she got that ass.

"Mayonnaise (often abbreviated mayo) is a thick condiment," according to Wikipedia. Wiki also says that "Worldwide, mayonnaise is commonly served in a sandwich, or with salad such as potato salad or canned tuna." Although it is used in many foods and salad dressings, apparently it can also be added to genitalia to offset dimming caused by paparazzi photography and reality television shows. It's good to know, especially now as I embark on a career as a socialite and celebutante.

I would like to know which brand Kim prefers the most -- Hellmann's? Duke's? Kraft Miracle Whip? I doubt you can use Veganaise, unless your vagina is faint of heart. I'm willing to bet she is a Hellmann's Girl. Keep your eyes peeled for Kim Kardashian Hellmann's Mayo ad in Vogue magazines near you.

So exciting. Keep keepin' it real, Kim.

Shelly

Track back: Keeping Up with Kim

Australian Open

Dear Internet,

I love Australians, I really do. And I love tennis. So, I was getting my Aussie Open updates thanks to you, and then I discovered the following quote from this article:

"Tournament officials will meet as early as next week to discuss crowd safety after ugly scenes at the Grand Slam including a gang of racist thugs who waved Nazi salutes, the indecent assault of a 10-year-old girl, a court invader on Rod Court Arena and a flare that terrified spectators on a show-court."

And then here:

"Security was tightened last year after men used covert cameras to film up women's skirts, and in 2007 a boy was dragged into a toilet and sexually assaulted."

I mean, they are rowdy in New York, but this is shocking behavior. WTF, Australia? You're living up to the stereotype, hate to say it. Way to ruin what should be a great sports event for all.

Discouraged,

Maxie Jean

Susan Sarandon

Dear Internet,

Did you hear that Susan Sarandon dumped fellow liberal, Oscar-winning actor Tim Robbins for a 31-year-old who opened a ping pong club? (Silly me, of course you heard - you're the internet!) They were never married, but Robbins is the father of her two kids. I guess Robbins got a little too old for her, couldn't keep up. I don't blame him - few could keep up with Sarandon. And I always said they stayed together all these years because they didn't get married. Oh, well, nothing lasts forever. Does this bode ill for other unmarried-with-children celebrity relationships? Will we soon see the end of the Russell/Hawn affair? I'm nervous for them.

Anyway, Susan is single again, is the point! It's actually unclear whether her relationship with this ping pong douche is romantic in nature, or professional only (she has a stake in the ping pong club). So, I'm putting on my best pair of pants and heading on down to SPiN to see if I can sweep her off her feet. I've been studying all her movies for the last week to prepare.

Wish me luck!

Maxie Jean

The Ravages of All-You-Can-Eat-Sushi

Dear Internet,

Chicago, January 2010. Five degrees Farenheit. Snow showers. Wind out of the Southeast at 20 miles per hour. Obviously sushi weather. As I walked down 53rd I had a sinking feeling that sushi may be the wrong decision, especially as I glanced at the Gyros Store. Perhaps a Hot or Polish Dog would be better... In any event, we made our way to the sushi restaurant.

Pushing against the wind and into the restaurant, the hot air warmed my face, making my eyes tear. I smelled Miso soup and I knew I was home. We were quickly led to a table, given menus, and offered ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI for $20.99 -- tax and tip not included. "What a deal!" I thought as I quickly computed how much it would cost to get what I wanted at ala carte prices. Well that's where I went wrong.

"All You Can Eat Sushi" is a scam. It's not all you can eat. You have to gluttonously eat everything you ordered or your bill at the end of the meal will be astronomical. Not to mention gaseous.

Invariably I order more food than my stomach can handle. So some Miso soup, edamame, a spicy tuna roll, a Philadelphia roll (even considering the impending battle the cream cheese would have with my stomach), Gyoza, one piece of Super White Tuna, a piece of Yellowtail, and green tea ice cream (not to mention the Sierra Mist and glass of water) later and I was ready to die. My stomach had filled with who knows what, flapping over my favorite pair of black skinny jeans, my leg warmers were suddenly tighter, cutting off blood flow to my feet, and the Clown Fish happily swimming along in the tank next to my table were angering me. Why do I do this to myself? I can barely finish regular dinner, let alone plate after plate of uncooked fish.

All I could think about was getting home and putting on sweat pants. This is truly an American cultural phenomenon. I don't know any Europeans who even own sweat pants, let alone any who press out into the cold, cold night to put a pair on. I was so full I couldn't even finish my Stella. And I passed out on the couch at 9:45 PM, waking up only to go to my bed.

So here's the deal. It's not even really a scam. It's a challenge being waged on Americans. Everyone knows we love food, sales, and cheap things. We love Target. We can't get enough of coupons. We go into orgasmic trance when we learn that if we get a new credit card we get 20% off whatever we bought that day -- forgetting we never had the cash to begin with and that a 30% APR is awful. (By the way, I got a 25% Off Coupon from The Gap for my birthday.) We are truly idiots, and everyone else knows it. This is how they are going to conquer us: food coma, clogged arteries, and sales. It's going to be like the fall of the Roman Empire, but instead of the Gauls or the Germans it's going to be food injected directly into our blood stream and clothes shipped to us just by thinking about them.

We need to stand up to this new form of terrorism. Otherwise, we're going to be confused, tired, and slow and we won't be able to fight it off. I can just see it now: people everywhere are trying to get their pants on and shirts over their heads and they become tangled up in themselves and the damn French swoop in and take Lady Liberty back. We cannot let this happen.

If you don't believe me, just read Saunders' latest Shouts & Murmurs piece in The New Yorker, Heavy Artillery. It's a vision of the future.

Regards,
Shelly

Keeping Up with Kim

Dear Internet (Bitches Everywhere),

As I gear up for tomorrow night's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I wanted to set the record straight. Even though I'm all for Bitches Talkin' Shit, I'm tired of all the hating on Kim Kardashian. It's getting ridiculous.

I'm going to be totally straight with you folks. The only reason people dislike her, especially women and girls, AKA Bitches, is because she's hot. If she were some bumbling ugly, like a normal person, she wouldn't be prancing down the red carpet, having her pornos released, or starring in an awesome reality TV show. But that is the whole thing. If any of us normal people could do that, we would love ourselves and everyone else would hate us. So here's the straight business on why everyone hates Kim:

1. She's gorgeous, has big boobs and an ass that most men would pay money to smack.
2. She has awesome clothes and buttloads of money.
3. She doesn't have to do real work, like go to an office or dig ditches.
4. Men love her.
5. You are nothing like her and have no porno hot qualities.

I personally love Kim. I think she's fantastic. I love her to the point of reading her Tweets and checking out her ad campaigns for Quick Trim or Forever 21. But the whole reason I like her so much is her mom, Kris. This woman deals with 20 million kids everyday and manages to not kill any of them. She doesn't even try to kill her husband, Bruce Jenner. Kris Kardashian-Jenner, or whatever she's calling herself, is a cool mom who tries to teach her kids values in rich-kid environment, and she succeeds on a variety of levels. But that's for another post. Back to Kim...

The thing is Kim is sort of unintentionally funny, I like her clothes, and she's starting to (ever so slowly) behave like an actual person. So in reality, even if our realities are as far away from her's as the moon, the only reason someone wouldn't like Kim is because they don't have all the cool stuff she has.

I am therefore retiring Bitches Talkin' Shit in terms of Kim.

Keeping it real,
Shelly

Stimulate This

Dear Internet,

In this time of economic recovery, I'm reflecting back to better times of stimulus checks. Where the F is my stimulus check this year? This is the time where I really need an extra $600. Whether it's to get a new pair of boots or to buy that creamy Tarte Cheek Stain I want. Maybe even both.

Don't get me wrong. Even though Congress is filled with a bunch of useless mongrels, I still have faith in Barack. After all, he is my Chicago brother. But I am thinking of by-gone days when the government fruitlessly and retardedly gave us money for no reason, AKA The Bush Era, as part of The Bush Doctrine.

There is a lot of junk I want. I feel like I need an iPhone. Just to navigate Chicago. Also for the cool apps, like Epicurious and Buster, the CTA Bus Tracker. Let's also not forget The Jersey Shore App. These are all things we need. Doesn't anyone get it? As someone who makes less than $250K, I would like a check to afford me the things that my salary does not. Perhaps a new pair of skinny jeans or even some fancy new leggings from American Apparel. Even an f-ing iPod Touch that isn't cracked. Maybe even something slightly more useful to Chicago winters like a new puffy coat, muffler, hat, scarf, chapstick, and lined boots?



I can't take it. Maybe I should just go with the flow, but obviously I can't. I want my money.

Don't Mess with Shelly.

State of the Union Address

Dear Internet,



I'm the President of Tappin' That Ass. Barack Obama, Barack Obama Baby.

Shelly